I was born and raised in a small town in Northern California. My mother was my best friend, but my father barely tolerated me. I always knew that I was the child he never really wanted..the one who was a thorn in his side. I had a sister who was ten years older than me, and I found out early in life from her that I had been a "surprise" to my parents..and not in a good or happy way. I don't have any memories of laughter in our home. I don't remember hugs or even kind words from my father. What I do remember is fear..fear of disappointing him again..fear of being unlovable..fear of saying or doing the wrong thing that would upset him. So, I became the quiet one..the one you always had to look for, because I did my best to become invisible.
When I was 16, I was attacked by my sister's husband. I was a very naive young girl, and had no idea that he had become attracted to me. I was to find out later that my sister was aware of how he felt and that she actually had helped him in getting me alone. At that point, I realized that the people who were supposed to love me, didn't. My view and opinion of myself became very negative. I believed that I was ugly. I believed that I was stupid..incapable of doing "normal" things that other people did. I believed that I was different from all other people..that God had made some kind of mistake when He made me. I didn't have dreams of getting married one day like other girls had because I never thought that anyone would be interested in someone like me. I also didn't have any career objectives because I didn't think I was smart enough to do anything. This all made the future seem pretty bleak. At that point in my life, a friend had invited me to church, and I realized that I needed Jesus. I truly believe that this is when I was spiritually reborn, even though it would be many more years before I would surrender to God's love for me.
When I was 18, I met a guy who lived out of town. We dated for four months, and then married. I wondered why he would want to marry someone like me, but figured I better marry him before he realized what he was getting. I realized fairly quickly into the marriage, that he had a lot of problems. He was an alcoholic, and had a violent temper. Many times, he would have me down on the floor "knocking some sense into me". Once, he threw me down the stairs. As much as I hated my life, I didn't feel I had the power to do anything to change it. I lived each day, trying to survive that day. I began to have a lot of anxiety and panic attacks. I was terrified at all times...scared to leave him, scared to stay. I was on overload emotionally to the point where I had a nervous breakdown. After that happened, it seemed the proof was there, that I would never be a normal person, that I would always be "different" from other "normal" people, and that I was trapped.
About 9 years into the marriage, a friend of mine, who could see how I was living, offered to let me move in with her. I began divorce proceedings. I actually got a job. Things seemed to be turning around. Several months later, I met my current husband. I realized that even though I had left the situation that I had been in, the situation was still part of me. I had become phobic. I could barely leave my house. I couldn't travel. I was too afraid. I couldn't sleep in the bedroom. I had been so traumatized by so many things that now I was paralyzed by fear. My new husband loved me, and was good to me. He wanted to see me succeed. He would take me out on little trips so that I could get used to being in the car. Pretty soon, I Was able to go for long drives without fear. We slept on the sofa bed in our living room for nearly two years, but because he was patient and loving..little by little, I was able to move into our bedroom for short periods of time. This man loved me in a way that no one had ever loved me. I still struggled, wondering WHY he loved me..but he continued to encourage me, and I was able to do more and more things that I hadn't been able to do in years. The first time I was able to travel to see the ocean, which was about a three hour drive, I stood in awe, looking at Gods magnificent creation, so thankful,to be able to see it!
But there was something missing. The way that I saw myself was still through the eyes of that scared little girl who had tried to become invisible. I remembered asking Jesus into my heart and life, so many years before. Something in me knew that God wanted me whole. I began to seek Him. I wish I could tell you that overnight, things changed, but I can't. My husband and I started attending a church that seemed very loving at first. We felt like we finally fit somewhere..but it was all too short lived when we realized that there was a list of do's and dont's that were laid out for us to follow. This God that I had wanted to believe would love me, was being painted as a very angry God, who was only happy with me when I did everything perfectly. I struggled again for years, trying to be perfect, afraid again. This time, I was afraid that I would let God down..that I would anger Him..that I could never be good enough. After 13 years, my husband and I decided that there HAD to be something more..that the good news of the gospel might actually be just that...GOOD NEWS! We left the church, and the people who had become our family. We were told that we would fail if we got out from under the umbrella of our pastor. I didn't care. I only knew that somehow...deep, deep down.. there had to be more..that if Jesus had truly died for my sins..that it wouldn't make sense for me to think that I could add anything to what He had done.
Several years after leaving the church, we began to get ahold of the right teaching! We began to realize that God had been speaking to us all along. We realized that he IS a good God, that He DOES love us, and that we CANT add anything to what Jesus did for us at the cross! We don't have to rely on "self", but we totally rely on the finished work at the cross. I had been told for years that God controlled all things in His sovereignty, and that all forms of torment that been in my life, had to pass by God first for His approval..so He could "teach" me something. I have now learned that yes, God IS sovereign..He governs HImself! "But the earth, He has given to the children of men"..Psalm 115:16. I began to trust that God wanted me well, that He did not enjoy seeing me suffer in any way..that He works in the hearts of men, and sometimes that takes time. I began to know this Jesus..this Savior who loved me and gave Himself for me. I began to understand that His view and opinion of me was that of a loving Father..and that I couldn't change that by my actions! He began to speak to me..not in words out loud..but in my Spirit..and I began to believe that He cared enough to direct my life. I began to understand that we are not under the same covenant that the people in the Old Testament were under. I understood that the law was a good thing..drawing people to Jesus...but that. Jesus has fulfilled the law..and we are no longer governed by it. My entire life, and my full dependence is in Him!
I began to melt into His presence. Fear began to dissipate. I realized that it was while I was YET a sinner, Christ died for me. But now...I have been completely redeemed by the blood of Jesus! I realized that He does not condemn me. I starts to see myself the way He sees me...whole, forgiven, adopted into His family, without bondage! These are the things that Jesus died for me to have. These are the things that He died for YOU to have!
I thank God for Ryan Paul Ministries, and for the truth that I have received here..truth that truly has SET ME FREE!